Recently at my weekly Christian Business Leader’s meeting, I met a woman whose 21 year old son passed away this past June. I immediately gave her a long hug and let her know I was also a part of this ‘club’ that nobody would ever choose to join. We had a sweet, but rushed, talk before the meeting started about our respective sons and our lives since they died, and I discovered that her full-time occupation is helping people fulfill their bucket list items. She organizes everything from parachute jumps to safaris. What a joyful occupation!
That started me thinking about the many people I know either personally or by reputation who have dedicated their lives to serving others in the wake of a personal tragedy. My personal experience has been very much like that, so I began googling to read others’ stories. What I discovered was literally dozens and dozens of charities with the same origin story: person experienced tragedy, person dedicated life to helping others.
Why do you think this happens so frequently?
I believe a large part of the answer lies in the fact that our Creator has made us with the drive to give. It is so rewarding to give and to help others, because it is congruent with our nature. And, since we are wonderfully made in the image of our Creator, when we give of ourselves – time, love, money, we are rewarded with what psychologists have dubbed, “The Happiness Trifecta”.
The Happiness Trifecta is a remarkable trio of hormones– dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. The amazing thing about these 3 hormones is that if a person is deficient in any one of them, they will feel ‘off’. When we are deficient in all 3 of them, we become depressed, have no drive, and often experience disrupted sleep.
Do you know that little rush you get when a you receive a text, Instagram, Facebook, or other social message? That’s caused by dopamine. Dopamine is also released when playing video games, drinking alcohol, or taking certain drugs (thus the nickname ‘dope’) Dopamine makes us feel ‘driven’, excited, and, momentarily, happy. That’s because the effects of dopamine only last for a few seconds or minutes, at most.
So unless dopamine is balanced with serotonin, we feel the constant nervous drive to keep pursuing more of that ‘rush’, which is why all of the above activities (social media, gaming, alcohol, drugs) can be very addictive. Serotonin, as opposed to dopamine, is like burning a log instead of paper – it creates a slow burn, a deep sense of satisfaction. We feel the effects of serotonin when we check off something on our to-do list; concentrate deeply to create art, writing, or music from the heart; and when we help others.
And oxytocin – well, the cause & effects of this neurotransmitter can be summed up in its nicknames: “the love hormone”, “the cuddle hormone”, and “nature’s marijuana.” If you want a dose of oxytocin, give a long hug! Both the giver and receiver of hugs will receive a burst of this feel-good hormone. I have a friend who is sought out for his “9-second hugs” – people actually line up at networking events for those hugs!
Back to my story – I mentioned earlier people dedicating themselves to helping ot
hers in the wake of a tragedy. One compelling example of this is Robert Rogers, who in 2003 was driving home with his wife Melissa and their four young children when a flash flood swept their minivan off a Kansas highway. As their vehicle filled with water, Roger struggled to break a window and pull his wife and children to safety. When he succeeded in breaking the window, he and Melissa and their oldest daughter were instantly sucked through the window and into the raging water when the pressure inside their vehicle changed.
Robert was the only survivor.
In the now 15 years since, Robert has dedicated himself to sharing his testimony with others through speaking and music and also to a unique charity project – establishing an orphanage in honor of each of his family members who passed that day. He reached that goal in 2012, and has gone on to establish two more.
In spite of his horrific loss, Robert will be the first to tell you that his life is one of joy and fulfillment. (I highly encourage you to listen to his youtube testimonial – it is so inspiring!)
There is another very different group of people that has experienced the incredible benefits of helping others, and that is the wealthy individuals who participate in The Secret Millionaire. The Secret Millionaire is a reality television
show in which millionaires go incognito into impoverished communities and agree to give away tens of thousands of
pounds. In one episode, British millionaire James Benamor says,
“When I started this, I really didn’t understand about volunteering. I didn’t understand why people do it. I didn’t understand that some people just did it to feel that excitement of having done something for others. My attitude has completely changed. Now, I see volunteering as really something everyone should do.”
That has certainly been my experience the last 6 months since our son died – writing my newsletter and caring for my family and clients has helped me tremendously.
And then there was the trip to Florida… In late September, I attended a real estate conference in Florida. It was very hard, initially. It was my first time to make a business trip without my son Nathan as my sidekick in many years.
But once I started speaking with the other attendees, things started looking up. For the first time, EVER, a real estate conference where we didn’t talk about ‘leads’, ‘client acquisition’, or ‘best cold-calling scripts’.
Basically, I discovered a group of Happiness Trifecta ‘junkies’. Instead of being focused on money, every one of these guys and gals feels called to be their best, to serve their clients to the highest degree that they can, and to give back to their communities as much as they can. We discussed how we can help local business owners tell their stories and obtain more business; we talked about how we can be the driving force to bring local business owners and entrepreneurs together to give to the community in a way that is impactful; and we talked about how to improve our documented approach to selling and buying houses in a way that will yield the most benefit to our clients, who trust us. The entire focus was on helping others instead of making more sales.
This ‘business conference’ ended up being a healing balm to my soul.
What does all this have to do with you? Well, I know that many of you reading this already practice a life of service. But sometimes we can fall into a cycle of feeling depressed, lonely, down, or simply just not happy. In those times, we will get a burst of “happiness hormones” when we do something, anything, to help others. It can be as seemingly small as sending a homemade note with a verse, or as large as traveling to Houston to assist hurricane victims.
I really don’t know how to wrap this up without sounding preachy. I’ll just say, we all want to be happy and if you are not happy, helping someone else will get you on that path. And once you start to experience those Happiness Hormones that result from giving of yourself to others, you aren’t going to want to stop! When we pull on reserves from deep within to step out of ourselves and care for others, we are rewarded many times over, and want to keep on giving and giving, because we are receiving so much ourselves.
Wishing you a very happy 2018! Make it so.
Bibliography:
(1) The Blue Zones of Happiness: Lessons from the World’s Happiest People
(2) The Secret Millionaire – James Benamor https://youtu.be/s_Gizl7R224
(3) The ministry of Robert Rogers https://www.mightyintheland.com/
*Originally published in the January 2018 edition of “Michelle’s Musings” by Michelle Ellis